Gods of Egypt

Oh lord…!

 

In 5 or 10 years time maybe we will look back on Gods of Egypt and proclaim how forward thinking it was, how it manages to be a modern day pastiche of the superimposed or claymaytion monster movies of yesteryear and how effortless it is in doing so. Maybe.

For now though it is a certifiable geyser of trash, uncontrollably throwing turds in any random directions, but always in the direction of industrial strength fans.

There is almost nothing to like about this film. The acting is so wooden that Swiss people can build chalets from it whilst the on screen chemistry is about as magnetic as a depolarized creme brulee. Many of the film’s other issues could have been overlooked if there was at least some sort of connection between the cast but there just isn’t.

It’s not like the film is lacking in talent with Gerard Butler playing the main antagonist, relatively fresh faces such as Brenton Thwaites and the stunning Elodie Yung both showing promise and Nicolaj Coster-Waldau (Game of Thrones Jamie Lannister) being placed front and centre. Yet throughout the film these so-called friends, relatives, lovers and enemies consistently look like it’s the first time they’ve ever met.

Of course, it also doesn’t help that the script writing is terrible and actually does a dis-service to a fairly solid plot which, in short, goes as follows: Gods still live amongst us and Osiris (Bryan Brown) is passing his role as King to Horus (Coster-Waldau). Osiris’ brother Set (Butler) believes he should be crowned king as the most powerful God and usurps the throne. After losing his all-seeing eyes Horus is sent into exile. It’s down to Bek – a mere mortal – to help Horus stop Set’s dominion over the people of Egypt.

You can totally work with that. You can mix in how/why there are no Gods living among us anymore in an alternate/fantasy history. You can explore what it means to have Gods living amongst humans and how that benefitted or destroyed people’s lives… Or you could pull a Gods of Egypt and steam roller through all of that to focus on only 2 mortals and their trudge through uninspiring CGI.

If this film was made 20… 25 years ago then maybe this would have been a box office home run but guess what, we’ve moved on. We no longer enjoy a filmic depiction of 14 year old’s wet dream involving Egyptian superhero transformers. We have seen action films and fantasy films that are thought provoking, imaginative and genuinely excellent im quality over the last 5-10 years so something as hollow and vacuous as “woah, cool, Egyptian Gods played by white people who can are have super wicked robot armour and fly and shoot lasers and stuff” is simply not good enough in today’s filmic landscape.

Perhaps in a number of years we will get back to the stage where films can exist and be appreciated for the purity of escapism and at this point we might look back fondly on Gods of Egypt but right now it’s hard to think this film is anything other Horus-shit. Like my pun; it’s so bad… it’s almost good!

The Good, The Bad and The Outcome:

+ Reminiscent of old B-movies

– Wooden acting
– Lacking any depth
– Inept in almost every aspect

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